Where There Are No Limits, There Is No Security
August 31, 2026
Principles taken from Child-Parent Relationship Training by Sue Bratton and Garry Landreth
When I was in college, I heard about a well-known experiment with kids at recess. Observers noticed that many children stayed near the back fence while playing. Then, when the fence was taken away, the kids slowly started playing closer to the school building. Why did this happen?
Fences act as limits that keep us safe.
When limits are set in a healthy way, they give children structure and a sense of security. Even if kids push back, those limits keep them safe.
Picture a lively toddler running away from his mom in a Walmart parking lot. The mom quickly catches up and carries her screaming child into the store. He’s angry, loud, and sweaty. Was setting that limit the right thing to do? Absolutely. Did the child fight it? Yes.
As kids grow up, the limits you set will change. Older children might resist by yelling, walking away, or slamming doors. It’s still a form of resistance, but you set these limits to keep them safe, too.
These moments can be tough. Remember, as a parent, you give your child security and build trust by setting healthy limits.
Limits for compliant children
It might look like a compliant child doesn’t need limits since there aren’t any big outbursts. But these children also benefit from having limits. When they choose to follow them, their self-esteem grows, and they learn to take more responsibility.
One helpful way to set limits is by using the ACT method.
| A – Acknowledge the child’s feelings or desires. | “You really wanted to go to the adventure park. You’re disappointed.” |
| C – Communicate the limit. | “But I’m not for yelling at.” |
| T – Target the alternative. | “You can choose to write me a note, or you can choose to cool off for 30 minutes and try again. Which do you choose?” |
| If the child refuses to choose, say | “If you choose not to choose then you’re choosing for me to choose for you.” |
Sometimes a limit has a consequence. After three tries using the ACT method and repeating the same choices, you can set the ultimate limit.
| Ultimate limit | “If you choose to continue yelling at me, then you are choosing no iPad time tonight.” |
| Consequences should be thought of in advance. They should reflect your child’s currency – or what is important to them. Consequences should not be unnecessarily harsh, but they need to sting. |
Now, think about a situation with your child that keeps happening and worries you. Try filling in the blanks.
| A – Acknowledge the child’s feelings or desires. | “You |
| C – Communicate the limit. | “But |
| T – Target the alternative. | “You can choose ______________, or you can choose _______________________ Which do you choose?” |
| If the child refuses to choose, say | “If you choose not to choose then you’re choosing for me to choose for you.” |
Remember, these are the results of the choices your child makes. Use the word “choice” several times. This helps your child see that their actions lead to consequences.
The security you build in your relationship with your child is worth the effort.
