Encourage the Effort Rather Than Praise the Product
August 24, 2026
Principles taken from Child-Parent Relationship Training by Sue Bratton and Garry Landreth
Scenario 1
A 2nd-grade girl sits at her desk struggling to finish her assignment. The teacher smiles broadly and says sweetly, “This is amazing! Good job!”
Scenario 2
A 5th-grade boy nervously attempted a ropes course. His parent says, “You’re nervous. Each time you tried, you made it farther.”
Both the teacher and the parent tried to encourage, but which was richer?
True Encouragement:
- Is specific
“Good job” is too general. Stick with specific details.
- Is always true
A vague “You played great today” might not always be true.
- Focuses on effort, progress, or contribution
These qualities build self-esteem and internal motivation.
- Does not contain value-laden words
Values can raise anxiety and apply pressure to conform. This communicates conditional acceptance. For example, a child might say to themselves, “If I asked a good question, next time I might ask a bad question.”
I’m Proud of You
A more encouraging thing to say would be, “You should be proud of yourself.”
As you begin to shift your language away from praise and use true encouragement, you will see positive changes in your child.
Healthy Self-Esteem
Taken from Encouraging Parents Courageous Children: The Crucial C’s Handbook by Dr. M.L. Bettner
When a person interprets situations or feedback negatively, their self-esteem takes a hit, and they become discouraged. For example, a teacher frowns at a child. The child believes the teacher doesn’t like them. The child feels unlikable. What is the solution for discouraged kids? Encouragement!
Adlerian Psychology explains that people develop healthy self-esteem in the following four areas:
- Count – To count is the belief that you are valuable and special without having to earn love or worthiness. Children who feel that they count believe that they make a difference in the world and that they can contribute in some way to others around them. They feel valued and valuable.
Children who do not feel as though they count feel insignificant. They may give up, try to hurt others, or overcompensate by acting superior.
- Courage: Courage is the willingness to try new things without a guarantee of success. Children with courage feel hopeful. They are resilient.
Children who lack courage feel inferior to others and inadequate. They avoid risks and tend to give up without trying. They frequently avoid challenges.
- Connection: Healthy connection is the desire and ability to build relationships with other people. Children who connect with others feel secure, are able to cooperate, and can reach out and make friends. They believe they belong.
Children who lack the skills to connect will feel isolated and insecure. They may seek negative attention.
- Capable: Capable is the belief that you are able to master ideas and skills. Children who feel capable have self-control and self-discipline. They assume responsibility for themselves and for their behavior.
Children who do not feel capable frequently feel inadequate and try to control others or let others know they cannot be controlled.
Think through which areas your child is exhibiting healthy self-esteem. Which area is lowest? Often, we can identify what a child is believing by observing behavior challenges.
Take a moment to reflect on your childhood. Did you experience some memorable moments that boosted your self-esteem? Which area did you struggle with the most?
