Big Choices for Big Kids, Little Choices for Little Kids
August 10, 2026
Principles taken from Child Parent Relationship Training by Sue Bratton and Garry Landreth
Remember Goldilocks? The porridge was too hot, too cold, and “juuuuust right. The beds and chairs were too hard, too soft, and “juuuuust right.”
Parenting is like Goldilocks. As children progress through developmental phases, parents balance supporting and nurturing their child with giving them structure and ever-increasing independence. Looking for what is “juuuuust right.”
General Tips for Finding Balance
1. Give your child choices to lessen power struggles and boost independence.
2. Be a detective and study your child. Understand what is important to them so you can determine the root cause of their behaviors.
3. Learn the characteristics of your child’s developmental stage.
Guides by Age
Preschoolers
If your child is three, she has a firce need for independence. A helpful choice for her might be a choice about which shoes to wear. In a neutral tone say, “You can choose to wear your sneakers, or you can choose to wear your crocs. What do you choose?”
More than two choices would overwhelm a preschooler. The question, “What do you want to wear today?” is too open, too big.
Elementary
Children in elementary grades love pretend play and games. Choices for this age can be presented in a playful manner. Say, “It’s time to get in the car. You can choose to fly like an eagle, or you can choose to hop like a rabbit. What do you choose?”
Offering a fun choice keeps the mood light. You can join in hopping or flying. A stern directive often feels heavy and too big.
Late Elementary and Middle School
If your son is in fifth grade, he enjoys challenging himself and using newly acquired problem-solving abilities. A “just right choice” for him could involve choosing which family problem to help solve. If the family dog is barking and frustrating your son – and everyone, then he could choose to research training programs to help solve the problem. You could present this to him by saying, “You’re frustrated that the dog is barking and waking you. You can research and choose a training method to help us find a solution.” This choice is an esteem builder because he is contributing to the family.
Adolescents
Teens can be tough. Their world is expanding to include community and global concerns. Tailor your choices to suit your teen’s interests. Give them autonomy and responsibility. If they care about environmental issues, they may want to organize a project that serves the community. You would do the project with your teen and include other willing family members. If there is resistance about doing household chores, the community project would be done after chores are completed.
Give a Choice Today
Think of a recurring moment of resistance. (Resistance is a mild word to describe a sometimes highly volatile reaction!) Can you give your child a choice in that moment? Not a choice whether to DO the task, but HOW or WHEN to do the task. Consider your child’s development and interests.
In the moment of resistance, acknowledge the child’s feelings, pause, present the choices.
You get the idea! Like Goldilocks, you can get it “juuuuuust right!”
