You Can’t Give Away What You Don’t Possess
June 29, 2026
Principles taken from Child Parent Relationship Therapy by Sue Bratton and Garry Landreth
This seems like a simple concept. I can’t give you something if I don’t have it. Material possessions or time. This also includes skills.
When my sons were young and learning how to catch a baseball, I did my best. I threw the ball with good intentions, but, frankly, it didn’t go well. I didn’t have the skill to help my sons learn the skill!
Think of the last big upset with your child. What was your reaction? What did you say? What did you do? What was your body language communicating? Let that sink in for a minute.
If we want our children to learn a skill, then we need to have that skill and model it.
Many parents tell me they want their child to learn self-regulation. Often, they think I will give them a wonderful tip or trick to pass on to their child. However, we can’t give away the skill of regulating temper tantrums if we are having adult temper tantrums!
Understand that the skill we want our children to exhibit must also be seen in us. Child-Centered Play Therapy focuses on the development of four basic skills called The Four Universal Outcomes. Consider your development in these four areas.
- Self-Regulation – If your concern is your child’s lack of ability to calm themselves, focus on your ability to regulate yourself. Practice! This might not come naturally to you.
- Emotional Literacy – Being able to name feelings accurately and in a respectfully assertive manner. Pay attention to how many different words you know for different feelings. Depending on your child’s development, increase their exposure to subtly nuanced words for feelings. Accept all feelings with neutrality. We are not wrong for feeling angry, but our actions may require adjustment.
- Expanded Worldview – Actions have consequences. Improved understanding increases personal responsibility and empathy. Check your responses for blaming others or trying to control others. This is a subtle one.
- Boosted Self-Esteem – We all want to see our children develop confidence. Take a moment to think through your perceptions of yourself. Do you believe that your opinions and feelings matter? Do you have close, satisfying relationships? Are there areas in which you feel capable? (Even if you’re not great at throwing a baseball?) Do you have the courage to try new things or accept help?
As you develop your skills in these areas, you are better able to support your child. You will be more authentic and your relationship with your child will be healthier.
As always, it’s OK to be on the journey!
