Reflective Responding Improves Connection
October 5, 2026
The skill of Reflective Responding asks parents to observe and state to their child what the child is feeling, saying, or doing. Sounds simple enough. Just repeat – or reflect – the information your child is giving to you.
Most people will agree that even though this seems simple, it isn’t necessarily easy. It requires effort. It might feel unnatural at first.
How to Use a Reflective Response
One tip I discovered is to begin my sentence with the word “You.” Reflections might sound like, “You want to stay longer,” or “You threw the ball,” or “You’re really mad.” If I begin my sentence with “You,” I am more likely to follow with an observation of the child’s perspective.
Reflections are most helpful when they are stated in a neutral, nonjudgmental tone. If your tone is angry, the situation can escalate. If your tone is too light, your child may feel you are minimizing their concern and get more upset.
The goal of reflective responding is twofold. First, to increase your child’s awareness that you are listening and understand them. They are not alone. Second, you want to increase your child’s feeling-word vocabulary. Next time, they will be better able to identify their feelings.
When They Resist
Sometimes, parents tell me that their child tells them to stop when they attempt reflective responding.
Check your tone. Match your words to the intensity so the child doesn’t feel you are minimizing their concern or making fun of them. If your child is screaming, you would not want to say, “You’re kind of mad.” Instead, you might want to say, “You feel furious!”
Check your timing. When your child is extremely upset, you might want to wait quietly and stay close until the upset calms slightly.
Clarify. Older children may appreciate a statement like, “I want to make sure I understand.”
Remember to reflect during times of non-conflict too. Reflective Responses are not only for times of conflict or big feelings. Reflect the happy, proud, and excited moments too.
Start today. Reflect what you heard your child say. Reflect a feeling or desire they expressed. Each time you reflect, you are strengthening your connection with your child. They will feel seen and heard.
